Before I left to attend this meditation retreat, I mentioned that I had read many accounts of others who had also attended Goenka-sponsered Vipassana courses. Most of the reports were positive, some not so much. At the time I was really looking forward to being locked up for ten days with myself, and I pretty much rolled my eyes at the small percentage of accounts I read where people had come back traumatised or convinced they’d been unwittingly sucked into a cult. People on the internet are dramatic and crazy sometimes, you know? I never for a second predicted that I would jump on the “it might be a cult” bandwagon. After all, I’ve been practicing Vipassana for a year and expected that this retreat would be more of the same that I had already been doing, albeit on a more intense scale.
That was not what happened at all. This retreat was like no other meditation I had ever done. I think it’s possible (though I wouldn’t like to declare firmly either way) that perhaps Goenka is using legitimate Vipassana practice as a veil to conceal something entirely different that goes on at some of his retreats. So I decided to leave my retreat early, for my own emotional well-being, and I took a few days afterward to collect my thoughts and write them down. The result is the document below, which I’ve compiled into a handy PDF so you can download it and read it when you get a chance, or skip it if you’re not interested.
I would like to stress that I don’t believe my experience is at all a universal one, and if you are booked in or are planning on attending a Goenka retreat, I urge you not to cancel. Go, do the retreat and write up your own report when you get back. It will likely be wildly different from mine because no two experiences in this world can possibly be the same. You should never base your own spiritual path on anyone else’s, because we are all different and all perceive things differently. As my grandmother used to say, don’t let anyone else drive your bus. The majority of people who attend Goenka retreats come out refreshed and renewed. You’ll never know until you try.
So anyway, if you’ve got some time to kill, download the PDF and have a read. It’s a longish essay (22 pages), but with any luck you’ll find it entertaining (i.e. there are photos— I know where your buttons are). The layout is rough, even by my amateur standards, but hopefully the content doesn’t suffer as a result. Think of it as my personal “I nearly got sucked into a cult” scrapbook. Construction paper, glitter pens, and glue. One to show the grandkids.
I’m glad I got a chance to write this up now, because it served a double purpose: as a kind of closure for me, and as practice for the extreme amounts of writing I’ll be doing next month as part of NaNoWriMo (NaNoers: friend me and we’ll suffer together!). People have suggested that I use this essay itself as part of my novel, but alas, NaNoWriMo novels have to be fiction.
Please feel free to ask any questions or make comments; I think the goal of these things should always be to expand one’s knowledge and insight, and discussion is of course a big part of that.
The document itself is safe for work, though there are occasional swear words and a couple of analogies that you might not want your kids reading. But it’s not any worse than anything they’ll hear on prime-time TV tonight, and they might learn something.
I hope someone gets something out of my having written this, and I hope it doesn’t turn people off from Vipassana or meditation in general, both of which are legitimate, ancient practices with significant benefits to those who follow them. I still sit daily, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. But as with any spiritual path, sometimes things branch off and some followers wander from the main road. That’s probably not a bad thing.
[871kb, control-click (right-click on a PC if anyone still uses those) and choose the appropriate "download" or "save" option— you guys are smart, you know how your browser works]
October 24th, 2007 at 18:11 pm
Melissa,
I wouldn’t expect you to get sucked into anything, you are way to strong for that. Such purviews are for the weak of mind. I look forward to reading your report. Glad to see you back up. I missed you!!!
October 24th, 2007 at 19:13 pm
i have signed up for NANOWRIMO too and friended you…i’ll see what I can do with the DRAMATICA
October 24th, 2007 at 19:48 pm
Wow. What an incredible adventure and story. I’m very surprised that only a few days of hunger and sleep deprivation could have such a dramatic effect. And what a frightening concept…being so “trapped” despite the fact that the exits weren’t locked and there was no-one preventing the escape of the “inmates”! I’m so glad you made it out of there, intact.
October 25th, 2007 at 09:01 am
@Dan thanks, glad to be back. I missed everyone!
October 25th, 2007 at 09:07 am
@Martin: you sure you added me? I don’t see you on my buddy list… the nnwm link in the post leads to my profile.
October 25th, 2007 at 09:09 am
@Yvette: I don’t think it was that the hunger and sleep deprivation had such a dramatic effect *themselves*, but rather that they weaken the system in order to let other things in, suggestions, for example, that *could* have a dramatic effect.
Yeah, it’s funny how we’re socially conditioned to respect borders and limits. They put up a sign that says “course boundary - do not proceed,” and it’s enough to keep people in. For a while, anyway.
October 25th, 2007 at 23:47 pm
I read the whole story. I think it is amazing. Great to read something like that when you feel you know the author. Even if it is just from twitter and the blog. Thanks for sharing the story and your thoughts. Being a psychologist I find stuff like that very interesting. And I admire your ability to keep your thoughts clear
October 29th, 2007 at 19:03 pm
Daggers of fire… that’s pretty cool. Well except for the burn-holes in your shirts of course.
But still.
October 30th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
@Radioactive: this is why I’ve had to invest in some short tops. Part of the job, I’m afraid.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Melissa: Thanks so much for sharing that. I’ve done some informal study on mind-control and brain-washing, and sooooo much of what you write about falls right into line there. The only thing that I think is missing is trying to make you emotionally dependent on your providers, just as you were dependent for food, water, and human contact, but maybe that was Day 5 and you missed it.
Does “kamilkoc” with the accented C mean “camel coach?” It’s a wild guess, but that’s certainly what it looks like. I had some Turkish friends who told me how to read that accented C.
November 9th, 2007 at 18:36 pm
[...] story came from a key (pictured above) that I found on the floor of the room I stayed in at the Vipassana Retreat That Went Horribly Wrong. I thought it was a cool-looking key, so I stuck it in my bag, and then promptly forgot about it. I [...]
November 9th, 2007 at 18:47 pm
@scrivener no no, it’s coincidence - the Turkish word for camel is “deve.” “Kamil” is a man’s name, so I’m assuming that’s the company’s owner (or at least founder).
November 25th, 2007 at 00:07 am
There were some worrying things:
* the suspicious brown pill? What was it, and what was it doing next to your food?
*Turning off your shower!? And the whole mind game about not hearing the bell, cutting the break short, etc.
*What lay behind the stack of matresses on the 4th floor?
*The continued confusion: did you have that before you went? Has it persisted?
*The overall state of nutrition/cleanliness
*That you were told you can not choose other teachers. I disagree that being told you can only have one teacher is a good thing, or that having only one is a good thing. This is not something the Buddha would have ever said. No legitimate teacher of vipassana would ever need to say that. Also, suspicious is that it is taught via tapes and cds, as if to insist that there can be only one teacher (everyone else is just an assistant).
Other things seem something like a Zen monestary experience: the unfilling meals (Zen is miso soup, rice and pickles), the lack of sleep…the point of which are to drive you to your breaking point …but that’s Zen. Vipassana is much more civilized.
December 4th, 2007 at 01:08 am
Hello Melissa,
I have done two vipassana courses thought by Goenka and I have big doubts and thoughts against Goenkas brainwashing system. I have tryed repeted times to download your retreat.pdf with no success. I would be strongly gratefull if you could send it to my email. I will write an essay of my own with all the inconsistenses I have found in his teachings and practices. I’m very interested in reading your essay.
Thank you in advanced.
December 13th, 2007 at 16:46 pm
lets expose this bastard, athiest prick goenka, and let people know how he is trying to deviate us from the path of truth and reality.
December 13th, 2007 at 17:59 pm
@adnan: wow, I was wondering when I was going to get a nutcase commenter - I was starting to worry! I’m going to leave your comment here to mark the occasion.
December 18th, 2007 at 17:08 pm
Hi Melissa,
I just read your retreat.pdf and found it very informative and helpful as I’ve been thinking about attending a 10 day S.N.Goenka course myself and, like you, am scouring the web for first-hand account. Thanks for posting yours! I must compliment you on your writing style, you had me laughing out-loud several times, despite the seriousness of your situation.
I did have one question though: I assume that the Goenka recordings and videos you heard on the retreat were in English, is this correct? Did they have some kind of Turkish translation for the Turkish people present? I’m wondering because I too am an American expat, but I’m living in Germany and if I do go on a retreat it would probably be in Germany. If any kind of suggestion and/or hypnotism is going on, I suppose it would have to be done in the native language to have any effect (although I’m not an expert, and really wouldn’t know). I wonder if the organizers would object if I wore earplugs? Will I miss out on the “message”? If so, what about the non-English speakers present? Don’t they miss out on the “message” as well?
In anycase, if I do end up trying this form of Vipassana, I will definitely take your lead by thoroughly documenting and posting my experiences.
December 20th, 2007 at 17:21 pm
@Tim: Yes, everything was conducted in English, and they did not have any translations. People were told on the sign-up page on the web site not to bother signing up if they weren’t fluent in English (and the web site is all in English, so I doubt non-English speakers would have worked out how to sign up anyway). Before they locked us away they went around and spoke with everyone in English for a few minutes just to make sure. So we didn’t have any non-English speakers.
I’m fairly sure you would not be allowed earplugs, because of course they want to instruct you how to meditate their way (these are all guided meditations), and if you can’t hear the instructions there’s no point in being there.
Please do let me know when and if you go - I’m always curious to read what other people have to say on the subject.
December 22nd, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Hi,
Funny story. I think they made a mistake in the Turkish retreat by providing inadequate food. Nutrisious food and adequate portions are important for meditators, and whenever I’ve been on retreat I eat A LOT on the 11.00AM meal to last me till the next day. Ive been on some retreats including one Goenka’s in India and the food was excellent on all of them. A vipassana retreat in Burma even had a board outside the canteen listing the importance of quality food for meditative progress. Even saying that you should eat what you fancy, so if you like sweets, eat sweets.
I would just like to say that Vipassana doesn’t start until the middle of the fourth day, so if you left early, all you had practiced was mindfulness of breathing, anapana. The vipassana as taught by Goenka is a body scanning method, as opposed to for example Mahasi style vipassana, which is using moving of the abdomen as the primary object.
I think you were unlucky similarly in the respect like going to a bad concert, the band is the same but they just had an off day.
December 22nd, 2007 at 15:30 pm
@someone: agreed on all counts. I’ve always heard that the food was supposed to be one of the highlights.
Yeah, I was aware of the anapana/vipassana distinction… but I think something suggestive may be going on before day 4.
December 26th, 2007 at 22:05 pm
Hi,
I did a Goenka Vipassana course in Germana 2 months ago and I can definitely not confirm anything fishy going on (I must admit, I read the pdf very fast, omitting all the parts not dealing with the retreat). The food was great and sufficient, everything about gongs, showers, duration of rest etc. was OK - I am sure ot that, because I had kept my watch - I think, you are allowed to do so. On the other hand, I really observed the rules (not writing, reading, whatever) and did so because I wanted to. Furthermore for me 6 and a half hours of sleep are not sleep deprivation. I was tired in the beginning but less and less so towards the end of the course.
I also did not know, absolutely everything was done with CDs and it really bothered me, so much in fact, that I seriously considered leaving the course (I most certainly do not believe there was any hypnosis or so - I just didn’t like hearing everything from the CDs, the teachers doing more or less nothing etc). I have several friends (different in character, who do not know one another) who went to Goenka courses, as far apart as the early 90’s and in 2000, in New Zealand, Germany and Asia, and I for my part was sure, that the courses are OK. On the other hand, I did not like the methods at all and I wondered, whether to support a system, that uses methods reminding me of a re-education camp, even if I am convinced, that the aim is OK (I wondered whether “the end justifies the means”). So the first 2 days I was actually torn and didn’t do much meditating. I had another phase like that on day 5/6, when vipassana was introduced and I could not agree to the way they introduced addhitthana (sittings of strong determination). But at this point I knew I couldn’t just go away after 5 days of being away from other people, so I had a longish talk with the teacher and after that I could resume the course in peace. I do not think there is any point in fighting the system, in breaking the rules - after all I go there deliberately and I am told the rules on their web site - they ask you to “surrender” for 10 days to learn the method, and I think that’s what one should actually do.
Anyway as a result I felt, I had omitted an opportunity for myself because I had the time I did actual meditation cut short; so tomorrow I leave for another Goenka - course, where I hope to be able to do the 10 full days of meditation without interrupting myself and I am looking forward to it.
December 27th, 2007 at 08:37 am
@GermanWoman: well, good luck with it, I hope it goes well for you!
December 30th, 2007 at 22:01 pm
I also did nanowrimo and i hope you had a good time !
Just want to put in my two cents about Goenka retreats. I’ve done two of them here in California and for me they are a mixed bag I appreciate the no-frills rigor, the rules, the silence, the intense focus on meditation, the not eating after noon, the low cost.
Ii don’t appreciate the technological approach of cds and videos and teachers whose job description seems to be about minimal engagement as actual teachers, but that’s what they offer and they offer it freely which I appreciate, though I can understand and have considered the culty edge of that set-up, having partaken of free meals and free teachings at culty places during my years of hippe wandering.
I tend to do more retreats at Spirit Rock, where I appreicate the space and the teachers much more, but i have to say that i wish the food wasn’t so rich and plentiful and tempting and the meditation times never longer than 45 minutes.
Ideally I’d like Spirit Rock teachers with Goenka rigor. Someone at Spirit Rock called Spirit Rock the nurturing mother and Goenka the authoritarian father. Some people call Goenka retreats vipassana boot camp.
I can appreciate the intense discipline but I can certainly understand why it could weird someone out. I remember the last retreat I went to there, I mistakenly put my cushion down on the men’s side and one of the servers absolutely freaked.Iinteracting with people on the level of showers etc. as you mentioned in your pdf would bother me, but I don’t engage in any kind of going outside the rules when I am there, so no one bothers me. I can understand how that could feel like being buried alive or locked in a suitcase or some other intensely claustrophobic experience once you got engaged with that aspect of it. In conclusion, bless them for offering a space for rigorious no cost meditation, and darn that mothers and fathers don’t seem to live together.
February 6th, 2008 at 01:22 am
hi melissa,
better late than never, just read the above. I was there with you on the retreat and I think you were very sensible to leave when you did. It got very cold and wet.
my experiences were having a noisy room over the water pump, close to the poor whining and yelping dog that wanted to be with humans, not tied up outside. No hot water and a very cold bed.
personally I was pissed off that the men had comfortable chairs on their corridor, an indoor eating space, and a separate exercise area. Also that there was no provision for meditation in nature and the sea was blocked from view.
The assistants were way too chatty, creating distractions and clearly enjoying the hierarchical structure as a means to persecute the meditators.
I wasnt getting sleep because of the conditions and felt very vulnerable, also I have no desire to prove that I can wear a hair shirt. The work that is required of practitioners is very deep and needs to be nurtured and supported by taking care of peoples basic needs. ie food, hot water and warm beds.
I left early too, with some difficulty and conflict with the teacher, got home fluctuating between righteous indignation/feeling like a whimp, neither of which I felt was appropriate.
I found a vipassana teacher in USA to talk to who described my experiences as swan-diving into a blender. There were many lessons to be learned from the experience, not least never to try to do it in Turkey again.
March 9th, 2008 at 17:21 pm
Melissa,
I have been doing this form of Vipassana for seven years now and just came back from a course a week ago. I am surprised that the food was not enough, or that your stay was not comfortable. I have done most of my courses in India and the recent one in a non-centre course in Singapore, and have always found the food and room very comfortable.
For the course itself, there is no hypnosis involved. However, doubts are common, about the technique, the teacher, the teaching, one’s own abilities, etc. These usually fade by the tenth day, when one has a grasp over the entirety of the method.
I was completely unseasoned in meditation when I went for my first course, and there were days when I felt extremely agitated. I too tried to get out of there on the fifth day. The assistant teacher kept me from leaving and I thanked him for it on the tenth day. The point of this meditation is not to have pleasant feelings or relaxation. It is go deep into oneself and deal with the innate tendency of our minds to create misery for ourselves. It requires some amount of will, determination and the ability to deal with a certain level of unpleasantness that wells up from within. The efficacy of this technique becomes evident as you move past the 6th or 7th day.
I will not attempt to sell you on this technique. All I can say is, if you decide ever to give it another try, give it a real one. Suspend your doubts and your analysis, go with the idea of sticking it out no matter what, and observe Sila (hand in everything that will distract you from the meditation, including everything that you can write with) and noble silence. These are essential for the mind to quiet down and allow one to practice seriously. Dont go to analyse the course and investigate it for ‘cult’ practices, go to give it a fair chance to work for you.
Try to take it in India, or some of the more established international course centres. They should be able to provide you a more comfortable stay than the one you recounted here.
With Metta,
Suraj
April 9th, 2008 at 05:05 am
Dear Melissa,
I just came back from a ten-day. I do Vipassana Meditation ( Goenka ) since 9 years! I sat many courses including 20 and 30 day courses. I never ever had such a bad course and I feel very sorry for you.
Vipassana changed my life for a better life. I met Goenka many years ago and he is a very beautiful person with lots of love!
I hope you are fine. May you be happy
dhammagarden
April 9th, 2008 at 07:03 am
@dhammagarden I too, still practice Vipassana, and it has changed my life for the better… I’m just not sure about the Goenka retreats (or at least the one I went to).
Thank you for your kind comment.