Before I left to attend this meditation retreat, I mentioned that I had read many accounts of others who had also attended Goenka-sponsered Vipassana courses. Most of the reports were positive, some not so much. At the time I was really looking forward to being locked up for ten days with myself, and I pretty much rolled my eyes at the small percentage of accounts I read where people had come back traumatised or convinced they’d been unwittingly sucked into a cult. People on the internet are dramatic and crazy sometimes, you know? I never for a second predicted that I would jump on the “it might be a cult” bandwagon. After all, I’ve been practicing Vipassana for a year and expected that this retreat would be more of the same that I had already been doing, albeit on a more intense scale.

That was not what happened at all. This retreat was like no other meditation I had ever done. I think it’s possible (though I wouldn’t like to declare firmly either way) that perhaps Goenka is using legitimate Vipassana practice as a veil to conceal something entirely different that goes on at some of his retreats. So I decided to leave my retreat early, for my own emotional well-being, and I took a few days afterward to collect my thoughts and write them down. The result is the document below, which I’ve compiled into a handy PDF so you can download it and read it when you get a chance, or skip it if you’re not interested.

I would like to stress that I don’t believe my experience is at all a universal one, and if you are booked in or are planning on attending a Goenka retreat, I urge you not to cancel. Go, do the retreat and write up your own report when you get back. It will likely be wildly different from mine because no two experiences in this world can possibly be the same. You should never base your own spiritual path on anyone else’s, because we are all different and all perceive things differently. As my grandmother used to say, don’t let anyone else drive your bus. The majority of people who attend Goenka retreats come out refreshed and renewed. You’ll never know until you try.

So anyway, if you’ve got some time to kill, download the PDF and have a read. It’s a longish essay (22 pages), but with any luck you’ll find it entertaining (i.e. there are photos— I know where your buttons are). The layout is rough, even by my amateur standards, but hopefully the content doesn’t suffer as a result. Think of it as my personal “I nearly got sucked into a cult” scrapbook. Construction paper, glitter pens, and glue. One to show the grandkids.

I’m glad I got a chance to write this up now, because it served a double purpose: as a kind of closure for me, and as practice for the extreme amounts of writing I’ll be doing next month as part of NaNoWriMo (NaNoers: friend me and we’ll suffer together!). People have suggested that I use this essay itself as part of my novel, but alas, NaNoWriMo novels have to be fiction.

Please feel free to ask any questions or make comments; I think the goal of these things should always be to expand one’s knowledge and insight, and discussion is of course a big part of that.

The document itself is safe for work, though there are occasional swear words and a couple of analogies that you might not want your kids reading. But it’s not any worse than anything they’ll hear on prime-time TV tonight, and they might learn something.

I hope someone gets something out of my having written this, and I hope it doesn’t turn people off from Vipassana or meditation in general, both of which are legitimate, ancient practices with significant benefits to those who follow them. I still sit daily, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. But as with any spiritual path, sometimes things branch off and some followers wander from the main road. That’s probably not a bad thing.

retreat.pdf

[871kb, control-click (right-click on a PC if anyone still uses those) and choose the appropriate "download" or "save" option— you guys are smart, you know how your browser works]

Edit, May 2009: I’m closing comments on this post, just because it’s been almost two years, and I think things are getting a little repetitive within the thread and it’s time to move on. I fully appreciate all the comments from all sides of this issue, and I thank everyone who has contributed to the thread, even if I feel you misunderstood what I was saying (which may have been my fault due to the disjointed state of mind I was in when I wrote the pdf file – it’s probably the most poorly-constructed piece I’ve ever created) or let knee-jerk anger cloud your understanding. I do know what it’s like to believe fully in a particular method of something, and then be thoroughly annoyed when someone says that method didn’t work out for them. However, just because that sort of reaction is natural doesn’t mean it’s rational or based on anything but an emotional response.

Incidentally, in case anyone is wondering, I do still practice Vipassana daily, and despite what some have implied here, I don’t find practicing without Goenka to be easy or “sissy” at all, and I find it somewhat alarming that some of Goenka’s followers think it’s acceptable to insult or label those who have decided not to follow Goenka as substandard practitioners. I’m pretty sure meditation is not supposed to be competitive, and indeed Goenka’s own claims that those who leave his courses do so “because they are weak” is one of the things that turned me off about him, as I don’t really respond well to attempts at psychological bullying. Practicing on my own is, in fact, a constant challenge. I also don’t think that a practice necessarily has more value just because it’s more “hardcore” or “boot-camp.” I think part of the point of meditation is that it is a very personal practice, and there are many paths to the same place. I’m happily discovering my path; I wish all of you the best in discovering yours, whether it be through Goenka’s teachings or otherwise.