Do you guys have the Christmas tree Doritos? I’m a little surprised that we have the Christmas tree Doritos, seeing as we don’t have Christmas. However, in keeping with the infuriating Turkish assertion that Christmas and New Year are the same holiday and are both on the 31st, there are fireworks on the bag above the tree-shaped chips, and the name of this Doritos flavour is yılbaşı eğlencesi— “new year’s celebration.” And then, of course, on the 31st everyone tries to wish me Merry Christmas, and they pat me condescendingly on the head when I tell them Christmas was a week ago.

You think I’m kidding. If you try to tell them Christmas is on the 25th, they’ll laugh at you like you’re a crazy person, because everyone knows that on the 31st Santa rides a bottle rocket across the sky and brings Jesus in a stocking and puts him under the tree, and then we all get drunk after midnight and some virgin chick rides a reindeer around and delivers presents. I mean, duh. Christians and their nutty holidays, don’t try to figure it out.